Message for my sons: Please pass it on.
A decade has gone.
You are all in my thoughts every day every moment,
You may have moved, you may have forgotten me,
but I have not forgotten you.
When you have children, when they are born; you cannot see life without them. I still feel that way today, I do not remember life without you. Your tiny fingers and toes…Each of you so special and unique.
Your births made me the happiest I'd ever been.
Matthew, was the first to arrive late, but transformed me from a wife to a mother.
Jayson, you frightened me the most...arriving way too early. We travelled every day to see you in the Neonatal ICU in Vermont, until you came home.
Stephen, I was the first person to hold you in ICU at 21 days. You were 5 weeks premature, because I was always so stressed.
People said you wouldn’t make it, I never thought that. You were so tiny and fragile, but you were mine.
Cheeky, funny and happy.
I was surgically sterilized at age 21, August 17th 1992, when Stephen was 77 days old…convinced by those who claimed to love me, never to have children again with anyone. I only wanted you and your brothers.
ALL I know is I love you and your brothers, and want so much for us to be friends, start again.
I am not here to replace anyone.
I am not perfect, I am not rich, I am obviously flawed, and ….I still say the wrong thing sometimes.
I have no idea what you went thru in my absence, no one has ever told me. No one has ever let me contact you, and I have tried so many times.
You have every right to shout, scream, and tell me to F*** off.
Talk to me about what happened… Obviously, I don't want you to re-live anything painful, or if it upsets you.. I want to know, but not at your expense.
I understand I caused you pain or disappointment, and I am so truly sorry for doing so…
So many years, days of silence …. where there should have been laughing, brothers arguing, holidays, voices breaking, girlfriends, exams, sports, graduations and careers chosen.
I have missed it all. I never wanted to miss any of it.
I never wanted to leave.
No one should have held you or your brothers responsible for anything I did.
My Friends never had any idea what was going on or why?
No one did…honestly some of the time neither did I. Things happened so fast, and then you were gone.
I lost control of a life I had no control of to begin with. Pushed out and misunderstood.
Because of the Autism diagnosis, I am now better supported, and have even signed up to clinical trials for treatments to help people with Autism.
I am so very sorry for the mess I have made.
X x Mum x X
The above message was sent to your Dad, Tonya, Kirsten, Nancy, Donna and other members of your family.
The Birthday, Christmas presents / cards sent have never been confirmed.
Therefore, this year the gifts I have chosen this year will be packed away neatly with the many mementoes, notes and diaries. They will be kept until they can be claimed. I feel this is for the best.
If I could I would have carried to them, and given them personally. I hope to one day.
As of February 2011, I was officially diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, something I was born with.
This was diagnosed by the best Adult Assessment Facility in the world, South London & Maudsley NHS Hospital - Genetic Adult Assessment Unit.
Since this diagnosis, life has improved.
For those who were not aware of this, you were never equipped with what is required to handle the meltdowns, stress, anxiety, lack of consequential awareness or just be able to communicate with me...it was not your fault.
Please understand I gave birth to three sons, who may in the future need more support.
I want them to lead the fullest of lives, be happy, healthy and hopefully accept life as it is.